Pushed out

Coming out is a long, often difficult process, and it's just that, a process. It's not a one time thing. You might have to come out eight times, or twenty-six times, or maybe more, and there's a certain amount of terror and doubt and stomach butterflies each time, at least for me.

Being outed is different. Instead of butterflies it's like rocks in your stomach. Because not only are you now exposed, you didn't have the time to prepare yourself for the exposure that you do when you come out on your own. It's scary, and there's an element of disbelief, of denial.

I'm fairly open about myself at school, because I don't really have to worry about word traveling to my family. Or I thought I didn't. Recently I had a fling with a girl from school, and somehow it circulated to an acquaintance of mine who also happens to be an acquaintance of my cousin's. That acquaintance promptly went to inform Allie that her cousin is gay!

There are reasons as to why I don't feel ready to be open with my family. I had a good relationship with Allie before now, but now there's nothing but awkwardness between us. I hate that she has to keep this secret for me, and I know she's uncomfortable with me being gay.

So now all that I can think is Fuck, I wasn't ready for this, I'm still not ready for this, and I have no idea where to go from here. Well, I do know I'm going to go take a nice cold shower, but after that I'm not so sure.